The following is an excerpt from my journal dated November 26, 2016:
I have to stop hating myself. Hating myself is a bad habit that does not serve me and impacts my relationship to the world. This has always been my struggle: I fear everyone hates me and then I hate me and then all I can see are people who hate me.
I had an epiphany yesterday:
The purpose of communication is either to create distance or connection and the purpose of life is merely to observe the way in which our own voice creates distance or connection.
Communication is not limited to the purpose of connection and human beings are not meant to control the outcome of a relationship; we are here to observe the way in which communication brings about either connection or division. This is part of the human journey.
When you hold back, because of fear that your voice will create distance in the relationship, you illuminate the reality of the distance in the relationship by holding back (or by modifying your position into something more “palatable” for others).
It’s okay to be the culprit of distance. Observe it. Feel it. Do something about it if you feel compelled. Don’t if you don’t. Either way, it’s okay. It’s not your job to become someone else so that you can force a connection; it’s your job to be who you are and that is complicated enough.
In those moments when I fear using my voice will widen the divide, when all I want is to experience connection, I’m right in those moments. It’s not an irrational fear, it’s accurate intuition. Using my voice will probably lead to a greater division because that’s part of the purpose of communication and that’s what makes connection so beautiful–that it is not a guarantee.
Communication is how humans learn who is available to connect with and who is not. This is where we develop support systems. Manipulating your communication style to please others does not create connection, it is the beginning of a toxic relationships that sets the stage for a major divide in the future.
You are not more than or less than based on the amount of time other people spend singing your praises. The moment you sing your own praises will be the same moment you begin to notice others have been singing your praises this whole time. In fact, you’ll more than notice it–you’ll feel it.
So speak. Or don’t speak. You’ve got a 50/50 chance at either connecting or separating over it. Observe what happened and why. Grow. Understand that being your true Self absolutely can lead to goodbyes. Not only are we meant to observe this, we are meant to own it and take responsibility for it.
Own that your truth telling caused a separation. Learn and grow from it.
Own that your silence caused a separation. Learn and grow from it.
Own that your truth telling has lead to beautiful connections. Learn and grow from them. Intend to replicate these moments as often as possible.
PS: This is a collaborative mixed media piece I made with my husband a couple years ago and my haiku reads:
“There is no normal.
they are what they are.”