PTSD & Rage: You Wouldn’t Like Me When I’m Angry

I have PTSD so…

 

You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry…

 

The story of the Incredible Hulk really affected me. David Banner was such a kind person until the incident that caused him to radically transform…into a monster. But David Banner, even when he was the monstrous Incredible Hulk, was actually a hero; he stopped the bad guys with his anger.

 

PTSD Rage

 

The Incredible Hulk never hurt anyone who was innocent, only the bad guys. Even as a child in the 1980’s I knew that was an incredible mental fete, as David Banner was the victim of a scientific experiment gone very wrong and was often totally out of control.

 

Control. I’ve always wanted it. Obviously my little girl body could not transform into the Incredible Hulk, but there was always hope. Thanks to Stephen King and Drew Barrymore.

 

PTSD Rage

 

Firestarter. Due to a scientific experiment gone wrong in both her parents, when this little girl gets angry, she starts fire with her eyes…fascinating. I practiced my glare for the rest of the 1980’s.

 

But glaring is not the same as the Incredible Hulk, I still felt too small…things were still out of control.

 

PTSD Rage

 

Thank god the lady from Splash got angry and transformed into a 50-foot giantess in the early ’90’s. I needed that.

 

By the time the early ’90’s rolled around, I was feeling totally powerless. Couple that with all the hormones and emotions of becoming a woman and understand that I felt very much like a freak.

 

PTSD Rage

 

Like Michael J. Fox in Teen Wolf…before he realizes he is good at basketball.

 

So much hair…

 

Were it not for movies like these growing up, I probably never would have had my latest epiphany:

 

It’s ok to get angry.

 

It’s normal.

 

For many years, I got into a very nasty habit of telling myself that “I don’t get angry.” That was stupid. Of course I get angry, I am a human being; a very passionate human being. I am an empath, I am INFJ and not allowing myself to embrace my angry feelings actually made me very sick.

 

I’m not doing that anymore.

 

I made a YouTube video about PTSD & Rage. Apparently the two go hand in hand. Like peas and carrots.

 

PTSD Rage

 

As long as you do something constructive with your anger, it’s ok. Recognizing anger for what it is, enables you to choose NOT to do something destructive with your anger.  My new mantra about anger?

 

PTSD Rage

 

It just doesn’t matter. Thank you Bill Murray. Thank you Meatballs. It just doesn’t matter.

 

This is my story. It’s mine to tell.

 

IMG_5869

 

I hope you enjoy my new YouTube video!

 

XO

~Rachel

p.s. ~ follow @rey_divine on Instagram and Soundcloud

Vision Boards: Organization, Healing, Happiness & Success

{originally posted August 7, 2014}

 

I’m super jel right now.

 

Why?

 

This girl’s vision Board:

 

vision boards

 

I know, I know, as I said in my first YouTube Video, I am in LOVE with my vision board. My husband and I made our own for 2014 after I watched Lori Harder’s YouTube video tutorial and they are really inspiring, useful and quite beautiful.

 

vision boards

 

Inspiring because those index cards represent my goals, dreams and healing exercises. Useful because I stare at this all the time when I am stuck and it motivates me to try and achieve a goal, even if that goal is to just BREATHE. Beautiful because we made those index cards with our precious hands, my husband and I, and then we decorated all around it with pieces that make us feel joy. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

 

So what’s the problem?

 

Mine doesn’t have a mirror. This girl gets to put her whole self inside her vision board (genius).

 

Just today, my husband told me on the phone he wanted to update his vision board this weekend. Fate. I am totally going to run to the store and buy a couple lightweight mirrors, like the kind I used to have in my locker in school) and update my vision board as well. Exciting.

 

If you don’t have your own vision board, I recommend you at least start THINKING about what you would put on it if you did. Make a list even. Goals don’t just accomplish themselves 😉

 

XO

~Rachel

Hug Yourself + Love Yourself = Heal Yourself

Ever hug yourself?

 

I do.

 

hug yourself

 

Additionally, I made a YouTube video about it. I’m that girl.

 

Actually, I wrote the script for: Hug Yourself + Love Yourself = Heal Yourself, hours before learning some pretty heinous news.

 

hug yourself

 

I am increasingly intuitive like that; producing and directing this movie was healthy for my grieving process. Not sure what else I would’ve done with my seconds, minutes or hours. I made the set and shot the footage in record time. I’d say this one was fast tracked for sure.

 

hug yourself

 

I have PTSD. This means my response to major change can cause me to judge myself pretty harshly. Luckily, grief is here to heal the feelings associated with major change. I will lean into the anger, depression, acceptance, bargaining and denial. I am proud of myself for facilitating a creative outlet for my grief.

 

Last night I wrote my first Haiku:

 

If you’re deserted,

You can have extra dessert.

PERMISSION GRANTED.

 

Also ate 2 brownies last night.

 

Full disclosure, I eat chocolate every single day.

 

If I need something, I am going to give it to myself. I am not going to wait for someone to come and save me. I will save me. I will love me.

 

HUG YOURSELF!

 

I hope you enjoy my latest YouTube video and that you all start hugging + loving + healing your beautiful selves!

 

XO

~Rachel

Heal your Self, heal the world