That’s How Much I Love You

This morning my son wrapped his arms around my neck and hugged me. Hard.

 

“I love you, Mama; if you were a sock, I’d be your shoe.”

 

My heart. Exploded.

 

I tell my son this all the time because it’s from one of our favorite bedtime stories.

 

IMG_3290

 

This was the first time he ever thought to say it to me.

 

IMG_3289

 

I am so grateful and so full of love. In this moment, I am also overwhelmed by the haiku I wrote for my son:

 

HE’S NOT MINE TO OWN,

I WAS MADE TO PROTECT HIM…

BEFORE I WAS BORN.

 

IMG_6153

 

 

At some point during the whole becoming a mom stage of my life, I realized my protective capacity was off. Off like…I would kill myself to save someone else…from boredom.

 

My son saved me. Before he was born, I was slowly dying…and I didn’t even care. I had toxic relationship poisoning. Were it not for my son, I never would have began my self love journey. My son taught me to rage against the dying of the light. RAGE. Don’t fuck with my son’s mom. I matter.

 

For someone who realizes that they were created to be a weapon of war, a tool of destruction, the very idea that you “matter” can be overwhelming…and confusing. When I started to ACT like I matter, I lost almost every single person in my life.

 

What’s up, grief?

 

If you are not on board with me loving myself,

 

IMG_1133_2

 

 

I’ll grieve you.

 

What did one year of boundaries do for me?

 

(1) Could not meet son’s teacher vs Had son’s teacher over for dinner

(2) Hospital every couple months vs No Hospital in 9 months

(3) Wanted to go to a support group vs Hosting a support group

(4) Could not stay asleep for longer than 2 hours vs Sleeping up to 5 consecutive hours per night

(5) Living in constant FEAR vs Only experiencing fear when appropriate (NEVER!)

 

IMG_3273

 

I have my health, I have my family, I have love and I am GRATEFUL.

 

IMG_2715

 

XO

~Rachel

IMG_3270

 

 

6 thoughts on “That’s How Much I Love You

  1. I felt a lot like this when my daughter was born. I mattered because she mattered. As she turned 4, then 5, then 6 & now 7 in less than a month, I realized that I matter because, I matter. It is odd & exciting for me to take this next part of my journey in becoming more than “just a mom” (which is 100% how I made myself feel, once I found out that I was pregnant). It is beautiful to see your growth & to know that even when we feel lost & broken, that some how we can arise from our ashes like a phoenix. Keep growing, keep reaching & keep inspiring!

    From, we should have been friends 25 years ago 😉

    • Thank you, FRIEND!! I always think of myself as a phoenix rising from the ashes, soul sister. Thank you for sharing your story with me, you are beautiful and I am grateful to have a friend as kind and compassionate as you!

  2. Hi Rachel,
    My name is Julie Rudi and I just wanted to say hi and thank you for your sweet words about my book. I am so glad your son enjoys it. Take care!

    Julie

    • Dear Julie Rudi,
      AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
      I can’t believe it’s really you!
      Your book means a lot to me and my little family, I quote it just about every day…mostly because I don’t know how else to convey how overwhelmed with love I feel…so thank YOU for giving me the words to express myself in those moments.
      When I tell my son that, if he were a star, I’d be his sky, he tells me: I am made out of stars, mommy, so are you! It’s very special. Thank you for sharing your story, it has resulted in my most treasured and joyous memories.

      xo
      ~Rachel

      • Rachel,

        So sorry I did not see your response sooner. It seriously made me cry it was so sweet! That is exactly why I wrote it. Thank you!

        😊 Julie

  3. Pingback: Serendipitously, I met a Goddess... - Rachel VanKoughnet

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *