This morning my son wrapped his arms around my neck and hugged me. Hard.
“I love you, Mama; if you were a sock, I’d be your shoe.”
My heart. Exploded.
I tell my son this all the time because it’s from one of our favorite bedtime stories.
This was the first time he ever thought to say it to me.
I am so grateful and so full of love. In this moment, I am also overwhelmed by the haiku I wrote for my son:
HE’S NOT MINE TO OWN,
I WAS MADE TO PROTECT HIM…
BEFORE I WAS BORN.
At some point during the whole becoming a mom stage of my life, I realized my protective capacity was off. Off like…I would kill myself to save someone else…from boredom.
My son saved me. Before he was born, I was slowly dying…and I didn’t even care. I had toxic relationship poisoning. Were it not for my son, I never would have began my self love journey. My son taught me to rage against the dying of the light. RAGE. Don’t fuck with my son’s mom. I matter.
For someone who realizes that they were created to be a weapon of war, a tool of destruction, the very idea that you “matter” can be overwhelming…and confusing. When I started to ACT like I matter, I lost almost every single person in my life.
What’s up, grief?
If you are not on board with me loving myself,
I’ll grieve you.
What did one year of boundaries do for me?
(1) Could not meet son’s teacher vs Had son’s teacher over for dinner
(2) Hospital every couple months vs No Hospital in 9 months
(3) Wanted to go to a support group vs Hosting a support group
(4) Could not stay asleep for longer than 2 hours vs Sleeping up to 5 consecutive hours per night
(5) Living in constant FEAR vs Only experiencing fear when appropriate (NEVER!)
I have my health, I have my family, I have love and I am GRATEFUL.